


Tony Stark vs. Babies "R" Us

by mainstreamelectricalparade



Series: Hardest Lessons (Softest Results) [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Baby Peter Parker, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Kid Peter Parker, Peter Parker is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Precious Peter Parker, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Has A Heart, i didn't realize that was a tag but i'm glad it is bc it fits this perfectly, still no clue how hospitals work and i've never been to babies r us either, this starts out super silly and then it takes a turn for the fluffy bc i'm weak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-24 03:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16631933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mainstreamelectricalparade/pseuds/mainstreamelectricalparade
Summary: Tony must have zoned out in despair, because when he felt a tentative tap on his shoulder he jumped what felt like a foot. He whipped around to see Pepper standing there, looking entirely unimpressed.“You haven't got a single thing,” she said.“Astounding observation.”





	Tony Stark vs. Babies "R" Us

**Author's Note:**

> I was totally blown away by the response to my first fic. I'm still getting so much nice feedback on it, so for everyone who said they were looking forward to more, I hope you weren't just humoring me and this lives up to your expectations?
> 
> This fic is set right after my last one, in 2001. If I remember correctly from checking a calendar, the day I went with for Peter's birthday, August 10, was on a Friday in 2001, so this is set like three days after. That makes sense, right?
> 
> I hope you like this! It was a fun one to write.

Pepper woke Tony up bright and early Monday morning (or rather, she had JARVIS wake him up while she was en route to the penthouse). When Tony complained about the hour (8am, and he had actually been sleeping for once, did she hate him?), Pepper brushed it off.

“You're going to be able to take Peter home on Saturday, and you need to have stuff ready for him when you do,” she explained. “A car seat, a travel crib, diapers, some clothes, formula, bottles, and a changing mat at the very least, so we have to get to the store as early as we can. I have a feeling you're going to be a picky shopper.”

Tony groaned and rolled onto his front, rubbing his face (no, he had _not_ gotten out of bed in the entire fifteen minutes between JARVIS' wake up call and Pepper's arrival). “Remind me why we have to _go_ shopping, instead of ordering everything,” he grumbled, burying his head in his arms while Pepper dug through his suitcase and started throwing clothes for the day at him.

“Because if we do that it will take too long to arrive,” she said, with the kind of tone preschool teachers adopted to patiently explain something to a cranky toddler.

Tony had to admit she was right, so he heaved himself into a sitting position. He and Pepper had a stare-off.

“I'm not leaving until you get out of bed,” Pepper says, her eyes narrowing.

“I'm not wearing pants,” Tony said bluntly. “Just the boxers. Not a pretty sight.” Pepper raised an eyebrow. “That's a lie. It's just embarrassing because we're not-”

“Ok, fine, leaving, just _please_ don't finish that sentence,” Pepper interrupted, throwing her hands up and exiting rapidly.

Tony waited until the door was closed before throwing the covers off himself, hissing and swearing because his mostly-bare legs were now very cold, and jumping out of bed to put on the clothes Pepper laid out for him (threw at his head).

_\---_

“Oh my god,” Tony whispered. “Pepper, oh my god, why is this store so huge? How much stuff could babies possibly need?”

Pepper looked at him like she could only just barely believe that sentence had just come out of his mouth. “I'm going to pretend that you, of all people, didn't just say that.”

Tony's reply was simply a distracted “What?”, so Pepper gave up and left him standing in the middle of the sidewalk alone to go find a cart.

Tony snapped himself back to reality and trailed after her, still talking. “And what's with the name? _Babies 'R' Us_? What's up with that? Babies are _not_ 'us', babies are the things we're _shopping for_.”

Pepper still didn't reply, just yanked a cart free from the line and whipped it around so fast Tony had to jump back to avoid being slammed into.

Exasperated women with shopping carts. Do not cross them.

Pepper started pushing the cart to the door. “Are you coming?” she asked over her shoulder.

Tony thought it wise to follow her.

\---

Looking at the actual hundreds of different brands and sizes of diapers spanning the entire length of both sides of the aisle, Tony very nearly said a rude word, but right as he was beginning to say “What the f-” he saw a mother pushing a baby in a cart and holding the hand of a small child on the other end of the aisle, and he stopped himself.

“Ooh, already learning to sensor yourself around kids, very good, Tony,” Pepper mocked as politely as possible, scanning the shelf for whatever is was that she was looking for.

Tony resisted making a face. “I can sensor myself,” he grumbled. “It's just a little harder when I get woken up at ass o'clock in the morning against my will.” He was afraid to look, but he was sure the other woman in the aisle was glaring at him now.

Pepper rolled her eyes so hard it was a miracle they didn't get stuck. How often she got away with sassing Tony was probably a testament to how desperately he needed her to run his life for him; a more ill-tempered boss probably would have fired her ages ago.

“This looks like the smallest size they have,” Pepper said to herself, reaching out and putting a hand on a box of diapers. “I think it should work. What do you think, Tony?”

Tony stared at the box. “You want my kid to go around with Ninja Turtles on his butt?”

“Well, nobody would _see_ them,” Pepper said, “but there are diapers with different pictures if Your Highness absolutely can't handle it.”

“Kid's three days old, what cartoons has he seen,” Tony grumbled, scanning the shelf and spotting a box that displayed diapers with an inoffensive teddy bear doodle on them. “That looks good.”

Pepper checked for the right size and grabbed the box. “I _knew_ you were going to be picky,” she said under her breath, heaving it into the basket.

\---

“All the travel ones look ridiculous,” Tony decided after looking for about fifteen seconds.

“Well, that's really just too bad, isn't it, because you need to pick one,” Pepper replied.

“These ones all look like ugly mesh tent prisons, and these ones can't possibly be safe, _look_ at them,” Tony complained, gesturing with both hands.

Pepper sighed. “You only have to use it until we can go back to Malibu and buy a real crib,” she said patiently. “So for the love of god, Tony, just _pick_ something.”

“Why are they all so low to the ground? I'm going to break my back getting the kid in and out of there,” Tony grumbled, inspecting one of the less offensive ones.

“This one is adjustable,” Pepper said, pointing to a different one in response.

Tony looked at it. “Well, it still looks like a tent prison, but it's not a bad color,” he admitted. It was red, a little brighter than he usually liked, but not eye-scorching. And it _did_ say it was adjustable.

“We'll get it then,” Pepper said decisively before Tony could change his mind about finding it acceptable. “But I'm not lifting the box off the shelf this time.”

“Fine,” Tony said.

\---

They picked out a few more of the bigger things mostly without incident. Tony swore in front of children a couple more times, and a grandmother who was with one of them looked like she was seconds away from hitting him with her handbag, but Pepper apologized profusely on his behalf and offered to pay for any stuffed animal the kid wanted to pick out; naturally, he picked a bunny twice his size.

“Ok, Tony, I'm going to go buy the bunny for these nice people,” Pepper explained slowly. “Can I trust you not to traumatize anyone else if I leave you alone in the clothing department?”

“I promise to behave,” Tony deadpanned.

That was before he saw how _huge_ the clothing department was.

And, no, that didn't mean he immediately wanted to buy the entire stock, it meant he was immediately overwhelmed and had no idea where to start or what to look for.

Pepper had given Tony her list, but it was a little vague.

 _Bodysuits – white, colors(?)  
_ _Onesies  
_ _Pants  
_ _Shirts  
_ _Socks  
_ _Hats  
_ _Bibs_

She had provided him with what to look for, but from the look of things, that narrowed it down to about 90% of the options, and she hadn't said anything about quantities. How much clothing did a newborn need?

Tony bit back a groan, picked an aisle, and started working his way down it.

There was so much pastel that all the colors started blurring together a little bit and made his eyes hurt, so he mostly steered clear of those. He did, however, stop when he spotted white bodysuits, because those had been specifically on Pepper's list.

What sizes... was he supposed to be looking for?

Tony must have zoned out in despair, because when he felt a tentative tap on his shoulder he jumped what felt like a foot. He whipped around to see Pepper standing there, looking entirely unimpressed.

“You haven't got a single thing,” she said.

“Astounding observation.”

“They're all the same, Tony, it's not hard to decide.”

“ _Sizing_ , Pepper, _sizing_ ,” he stressed. “I can't exactly hold them up to the kid and measure, can I?” It definitely would have made things easier, but Peter was in the hospital until Friday, and they were shopping _now_.

“They have _tags_ , Tony, just like adult clothes,” Pepper said, pulling a hangar off the wall and pulling the collar down to show Tony. “See? This one says 9-12 months, which means it's way too big.” She put it back and stepped away, clearly waiting for Tony to go next.

Tony picked one that looked like it might be smaller. 3-6 months. Getting closer.

“Isn't there a size for 'my kid came out of the oven way too early and there's no way any of these things will fit him'?” Tony grumbled.

“There is, actually!” a passing employee said, startling both of them just a little. “There are preemie sizes, they're just a little harder to find. I'd look for regular 'newborn' sizes, though, healthy preemies can grow pretty fast!”

“Thank you,” Pepper said. “Tony, say thank you to the nice employee.”

Tony gave her a dirty look. “I was _going to_.” He turned to the employee. “Thank you, nice employee.”

Pepper rolled her eyes. The employee laughed.

“She appreciates my humor more than you do,” Tony sniffed, frowning at Pepper.

“ _She_ doesn't have to put up with it 24/7,” Pepper muttered, pulling a few bodysuits off the wall and dropping them in the cart.

Shopping for the rest of the clothes was just as difficult, for various reasons. Tony kept finding things that he didn't like about a shirt or onesie, and Pepper grew more and more tired of him with each complaint.

“Tony, this is a nice onesie, what could you possibly have a problem with?” Pepper asked, a pair of blue footie pajamas on a hangar in one hand.

“That particular shade of blue isn't agreeing with me.”

“It's a _color_ , Tony, not a bad plate of sea food, god-”

“Fine, ok, let's focus on the bigger problem, which is that it looks like a little sailor outfit, and Rhodey would never forgive me if I went Navy over Air Force, come on-”

(Speaking of Rhodey, Tony found a shirt with a poorly-designed cartoon airplane on it and had to get it for humor's sake.)

Sometimes they agreed on something. Pepper really liked a onesie Tony found, which he insisted on calling “hot rod red”, and Tony approved of the 2-pack of long-sleeved bodysuits Pepper found in gray and a light shade of blue that was neither too green nor too pastel.

Shopping for pants was mercifully easy after the pajamas and shirts. Most of the colors were acceptably neutral, so all Pepper had to put up with was Tony refusing to buy anything that had an obnoxious logo on it.

“You put logos on your products.”

“Yes, but _these_ ones are glaringly obvious, it's atrocious.”

(Pepper snuck a “Daddy's Little Man” bodysuit into the cart when she thought Tony wasn't looking. He was, but he pretended not to notice, feeling oddly choked up at the gesture.)

\---

“Tony, look, this is cute,” Pepper called.

Tony looked up from the rack of baby books he was poking through, to see Pepper holding up a book with the words “Baby's First Year” stamped across the front and an empty window underneath that Tony assumed was for a photo.

“What- why?” Tony asked, confused. “Why are you showing me that?”

“Oh, come on Tony, it could be fun to track his progress. If nothing else, it will be nice to look back on when he's a teenager and thinks you're the most embarrassing person on the planet.”

Tony considered this. “I'm Tony Stark,” he said, “there's no way he's going to think I'm embarrassing.”

“Somehow I don't think he's going to care _who_ you are,” Pepper pointed out. “Dads are embarrassing regardless of popularity, if you do it right.”

“ _If_ I do it right,” Tony echoed. “Dear god, the implication that I won't isn't terrifying at all.”

“That's not what I- Tony, if you don't want the book just say-”

“No, no, throw it in there, why not.”

\---

The car they were using while they were in the city wasn't a small car, but faced with the daunting task of fitting all the new purchases into it, it was starting to seem a little more claustrophobic than it usually did.

Their strategy was to fit all the big boxes in first, and pile the bags on top, but the boxes took up more room than they had anticipated, and Pepper ended up having to arrange some of the bags around her feet in the front seat, and hold a couple in her lap, and the rest were crammed into the trunk with the box of diapers and the baby mobile that Pepper had convinced Tony to get. (“It will be something interesting for him to look at when he's lying on his back half the day, Tony.”)

Tony squeezed the last bag into the trunk and slammed it closed, then slid into the driver's seat. Pepper was already in the passenger seat, looking several different types of exhausted.

“Remind me to never do that with you again,” she muttered while Tony put the car in drive and started maneuvering out of the parking lot.

“I am 75% sure you had more fun in there than I did,” Tony replied.

“I absolutely did not, you're a horrible shopping partner.”

“You love me.”

“Hmm. Jury's out.”

“That stings a bit.”

“You'll get over it.”

\---

Tony and Pepper spent another couple of hours at the penthouse. Pepper wanted to wash all the new baby clothes and get a head start on setting up some of the portable furniture. After that, though, she allowed Tony to escape and head to the hospital, shoving a little stuffed elephant Tony hadn't realized she had bought, the freshly washed blanket, and a couple of different outfit choices into a bag to take with him. Peter had been living in clothes provided by the hospital for the last few days, and Tony was careful not to say it out loud while he was there, but he personally thought they were kind of ugly.

“Where did the elephant come from?” Tony asked, pulling it out of the bag and looking at it. It was very stylized, with giant ears and fluffy gray fuzz all over it. But it was pretty cute.

“It came from the store, Tony,” Pepper replied easily, folding and sorting the rest of the baby clothes into piles.

“When did you get this? I didn't see you get it.”

“When I was buying the bunny for the little boy. When I put it in the cart you were distracted by the bodysuits and didn't notice. I just thought it would be a nice little visual stimulation for Peter, and he can play with it when he's a little older. Consider it a gift from me. That you paid for.”

“Right,” Tony said. “Well, I'm off, then.”

“Have fun,” Pepper said, waving him off.

The drive to the hospital was uneventful. There was a little traffic, but when was there not? Tony parked in the hospital parking garage and went straight to the NICU, stopping only to say a short hello to Mary, who was waiting for Richard to get home from work so that she could be discharged. (Mary cooed over the baby clothes Tony had brought; Pepper had snuck that “Daddy's Little Man” bodysuit into the bag, along with a plain white one, one with a cartoon elephant printed on the chest, and a white bib covered in little gray polka dots.)

Predictably, Peter was still in his bassinet when Tony made it to the NICU. The nurse Tony had grown accustomed to talking to put her seal of approval on the clothes he brought, and talked him through changing Peter into one without disrupting the cannula he still had to wear. (She wanted Tony to do it so he could get in some practice before taking Peter home later in the week.)

Turns out, Peter _hated_ getting his clothes changed. There was a lot of verbal reassurance and gentle tummy rubs involved in trying to get him to stop fussing.

Peter was still fussy once the new bodysuit was on (Tony went for the elephant one because it had snap buttons down the front), so the nurse suggested Tony hold him for a little while. Tony was still cautious of accidentally knocking the cannula out or not supporting Peter's head enough, but his hand still on Peter's belly seemed to be the only thing keeping the whimpers and grunts at bay, so Tony carefully lifted him out of the bassinet.

Once Peter was settled in his arms, Tony sat back in his chair and looked down at him, adjusting the little hat Peter was still wearing after three days.

“I know, clothes are more trouble than they're worth, aren't they?” Tony said sympathetically, keeping up the tummy rubs and trying a gentle bouncing motion for the sake of experimentation. “I don't blame you for not enjoying that, kiddo, I really don't.”

The combination of Tony's voice, the tummy rubs, and probably the fact that he was no longer being changed soothed Peter into a more calm temperament, and he blinked up at Tony with half-lidded eyes.

“Getting sleepy, buddy?” Tony asked, switching from bouncing to rocking. “That's ok. I get tired after Pepper makes me get dressed, too. Here, we'll put you back in your bed, and you can-”

He made movements to put Peter back in the bassinet, but as soon as Peter was no longer snuggled close anymore he started whining. Tony looked helplessly at the nurse, but she just smiled and whispered “Good luck, Dad” unhelpfully.

Tony readjusted Peter so he was cradled close again. “Or you can fall asleep right there, I guess that's fine too.”

Peter stopped whining.

Tony squinted down at him. “This isn't going to be your favorite place to sleep from now on, is it? Because I'll have you know I'm a very busy- and you're asleep. Cool.”

Peter's eyes had slipped shut while Tony was talking, turning his head in the crook of Tony's elbow so that he was facing more toward Tony's chest than the rest of the room.

The nurse came over and peered down at Peter. “I think you're stuck for a bit,” she whispered.

“Yeah,” Tony said, moving his hand to rub Peter's cheek with his finger almost reflexively. “He's lucky I don't have plans today.”

He wouldn't have moved even if he did.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was a toddler in 2001 so I have no idea if any of the stuff I described in the fic was actually even remotely similar to anything sold back then, but that's the beauty of fanfic, we can pretend. Also I couldn't resist some cute snuggles at the end - I have no idea if the NICU actually lets people do that, but for the sake of the story I said "yes".
> 
> Find me on Tumblr! riseuplikeglitterandgold.tumblr.com


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